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A love of youth Chapter 3
“I wait long before I see mature in my mind something that I want to talk about. By working this novel I focus on information that helps me to choose a theme that would interest readers fond of stories of manners, problems of society. I still feel a great pleasure to talk about the past and evoke the sequences as they presented at that time. The image that gives our society with this intermixing of people of various origin - where different beliefs - make me treating this topic related to cohabitation, to evoke the sublime understanding between people of varied ethnic and to imagine a story that could be experienced by each of us or people we know. This is one reason why many people can recognize or identify themselves through each of the characters mentioned in the narrative. A young girl filled with ambitions and a poor family seems an ideal start to address the subjects I want to develop.”
Kader Rawat
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A love of youth
Chapter 3
I discover that I am pregnant
I started to feel nauseous in the morning.I panicked and became mad when I imagined that I was pregnant. I decided to see a doctor to be clear in my mind about it. Florence was surprised about the situation. I confessed to her that I did not take precautions every time I had sexual relation with my lover. I could go out freely at that time. My parents were persuaded that I would behave myself well. A physician practiced his profession in a quiet place of the city. My friend told me that he was discreet and received few patients. He could examine me without risking revealing my secret in case the result was positive. I decided to see him on a Friday evening.
I left the doctor's surgery almost unconscious in Florence's arms. I did not know what to do. I did not want to keep this baby.What a shame!
My father was managing well in his business. He was developing his activities in the sales of second-hand cars.He planned to import new cars and welcomed business men from abroad. The bankers he dealt with were invited for dinner at home. He moved in the high society and started to be recognized as an important person.
I looked at my father's glorious ascension with admiration. It was also the beginning of my own decadence. My mother and I were in good terms. She treated me with sweetness and attention. I was in a difficult situation and did not know how to solve my problems. What a shame for me when my parent would learn that I was pregnant! When I thought how my father managed to offer us a happy life, I felt ashamed and worried a lot. We had everything we needed and he also offered me small presents from times to times. I could not stop blaming myself for making such a mistake. What should I do?
I had taken herbal teas with no result.I wanted to commit suicide. My friend asked me to be patient. She knew an old woman who lived at Le Brûlé and who could find me remedies to abort. I did not have the choice. I implored her to make it quick before it was too late. My friend came back with a sad expression. The old woman died some time ago.
I had two solutions: commit suicide so as not to suffer the humiliation and shame or to go in a place where people did not know me and where I could wait for my child without feeling any fear. The suicide seemed difficult to carry out. Moreover, I knew that it is forbidden in our religion. I was not prepared for such a sacrifice. It was obvious that I had suffered a bitter disappointment. How much my heart was wounded! How much I suffered inside! No one knew it. It was useless to feel sorry for me!I deserved my fate. These secret pleasures cost me a lot. I was coping with the most serious problem of my life. I had to find a solution, take an important decision; my future depended on it. It was strange as I felt a deep desire to keep this child.I already started accepting it as a part of myself although he was the child of the shame. In any case, it was my child. Why should I get rid of him?
I wondered how I could solve my problems before being thrown out of the house when my parents would learn about my situation.I had to act. A friend I met on the street told me that an agency situated at Rue de la Compagnie was searching models for a fashion house in Paris. I was pregnant, so being a model sound quite inappropriate to me, but it was the only possibility for me to leave; so I would do my best. The escape seemed the best solution. I still looked thin. My body could give me luck again. Why not seize it?
The conditions proposed were excellent for me. I had to provide my papers for the procedure. I was major and could manage everything by myself. The agency bought my ticket; so that I could board the first ship for France. My parents used to give me pocket money I had saved. This sum was not prodigious, but I could use it in difficult moments. I used to listen to the news on the radio and read the local, national and international newspapers my father brought home at midday.I was ready to cope with a new world. I feared to have difficulties in adapting myself to the climatic condition; and, I was sensitive to the cold weather. I spent sleepless nights analyzing the difficulties that I was going to face. What else could I do? Could I explain to my parents that I was waiting for a child? It was insane. I had to be discreet in such a situation. I felt an immense sadness for my parents.They put all their hopes in me. I did not deserve to be with them. I had committed an unforgivable sin. I had to expiate my mistakes. They would be so disappointed by my escape. Unfortunately, I had no other way to move away from them. I did not feel courageous enough to confess the truth. I would ruin their world. I chose to go far away.
I was worried to make such a long journey in my state. I had heard about the seasickness many people of weak constitution endured when making a long journey. I was aware of the risks I was taking and the difficulties I will have to face. Escaping and throwing me in the torments of life with no experience frightened me a lot. I had always been attached to my house. I wondered how I will adapt myself to a hard life in a world where everything might happen. Was I able to face the existence all alone in a different world? I’d rather not think about it. I prepared my departure secretly. I was careful not to attract the attention of my parents. My mother was close to me. She had the premonition that she was going to lose me. Maybe the repeated absences of my father had strengthened our relationship. Maybe the idea of leaving her in the next days had awakened in me this strange compassion. I liked both of them more than I demonstrated in this confession. And I also knew that they loved me a lot and have always tried to make my life comfortable. We need to warm our heart and gives us confidence in ourselves. Will I find such a feeling somewhere else? In what situation was I and how will I go out of it? I had already committed serious mistakes for which I ignored how I would be punished. I was going to commit a silliness that could cost me so much. My mother would be visibly shaken. She would never forgive me. She would suffer a lot. I preferred her to endure my departure than she knew I was pregnant. I wrote a long letter underlining the happy life I had with them and explaining that I was going far away for reasons I could not mention. This journey was a veritable luck for me. I wanted them to understand it, and I assured them I was in the right hands. I hoped to limit their fear. They would ask my friends the sheer motive of my departure. Since the beginning, I had decided to say nothing to my friends, except to Florence, my best friend, who will be traveling with me. They would speculate about the truth. How much pain will I make behaving this way, and how much harm will I do while carrying this child in me? Was it the fruit of the devil I was carrying within me so that my existence was changing so radically, taking me away from opulence to enter the miserable life of a fugitive? I foresaw the dark future that waited for me at the end of the path and had no means to turn around. How could I find the strength to throw me in the world like this? I did not know what I was leaving behind me, what I was losing in life. The path of emigration seemed long and uncertain to me.
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